For years, I had a recurring dream that a cat or some other small animal was biting my hand and would not let go. I called it my �cat dream.� I would shake my hand to get the cat off me, but it held on tightly with its teeth. I never understood what this dream meant until I read a passage by psychologist Fritz Perls and I knew what the dream was about: resentment. Perls says,

Resentment is the psychological equivalent of the hanging-on bite � the tight jaw. The hanging-on bite can neither let go, nor bite through and chew-up � whichever is required. In resentment you can neither let go and forget, and let this incident or person recede in the background, nor can you actively tackle it. (p.48)

I continued to have the cat dream long after I had my epiphany. But now I was privy to its coded message. Whenever I had the dream, I knew it was my signal to do a mental scan for lingering resentments. �Ah yes, yesterday when So-and-So cut me off and would not let me finish my sentence�� Resentment. Or, �Now I remember, when So-and-So ignored me the whole night�� Resentment. Small issues (small �animals�), maybe, but ones I was apparently still �holding on to.� Actually, the dream showed me that I was not holding on to resentment, resentment was holding on to me! Once I identified the resentment, I knew the task at hand (pun intended�) � express my anger, or feel my feelings and let it be.

I have never liked the edict to �just let it go.� Here I am in my dream, trying desperately to let go of this thing. The more I try to �shake it off,� the more strongly it clings. What we resist, persists. Letting go requires an active doing that is not usually available to me when I am in the middle of strong feelings.

In the middle of a feeling like resentment, I prefer the counsel to �let it be.� Can I find some stillness and let this anger be there? Can I feel it fully and not resist it? Can I find my breath and find acceptance of what is? I don�t have to like it, but can I stay present to it?

Alternatively, is there something I need to say to So-and-So to clear the air? Can I express my anger to this person? Or, can I express what I am feeling by writing, drawing, dancing, singing, moving?

The word �resentment� comes from the Latin word sentir, meaning �to feel,� and the prefix re, meaning �again.� Resentment is about feeling something again and again, without any resolution. It is a tenacious little animal. Fritz Perls calls resentment the �unfinished business par excellence.�

I haven�t had the cat dream in many years. Do I still experience resentment? Oh yeah. I�m just a little quicker to see it, a little slower to try to fling it away, and a little more willing to just let it be.

REFERENCE
Perls, Frederick S. (1969). Gestalt Therapy Verbatim. Lafayett, CA: Real People Press.

Jennifer Wohl is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Santa Barbara. She has a private practice in town and is also a bereavement counselor at Hospice of Santa Barbara.