In our department of psychiatry, the scenario has almost become cliché. A dynamic and successful parent(s), (sometimes one of the physicians at our own Clinic) will come to our office with their adolescent. The complaint is that in spite of the parents providing every opportunity and encouragement for the child to flourish – and despite the fact that the parents have been assured that the child’s intelligence is average or above, the child flounders. The child seems to have little ambition.

Often the parents seem invested in having us agree that the child has a diagnosable mental condition (most often depression or ADHD) that the parent hopes can be treated with medication and which will then put the child on the parent’s hoped for success trajectory. Usually, we are told by the parents that the child inexplicably suffers from low self esteem even though the parents have taken every opportunity to praise their children.

Obviously, frequent praise, economic advantage, native intelligence or talent are not reliable predictors of self esteem, confidence, competence or self motivation (even though we may have been led to believe so by decades of feel-good, warm-fuzzy Pied Piper’s of self esteem). What then is the way to promote confidence, healthy self-esteem and creative expression that will lead to a productive and meaningful life?

A growing body of research in the last 20 years is leading us to understand that probably the single most important thing we can do for our children is to provide them with age-appropriate challenges and responsibilities. When a child shares in family chores, it is a real demonstration that they are a valued and needed member of the family and that the parents are confident that they are competent to do the assigned chores. The key, of course, is age-appropriate. At ages 5–7, children can help clear the dinner table; they can basically clean up their own room, put away their toys and participate in minor yard work.

At ages 8–10, children can help with the family laundry, help prepare meals and share in the general housekeeping routine. And it should be understood that children are required to do their homework. All of these tasks (and more) convey a powerful, non-verbal message that you believe in your child’s ability, intelligence and judgment. It’s important that children should be rewarded for their efforts just as adults; we expect to be compensated for our efforts and skills. It has unfortunately become nearly endemic that children who are indulged and rewarded just for opening their eyes in the morning become self-entitled, dependent, surly and antisocial adolescents.

In a recent article in New York Magazine (1), Po Bronson discusses the perils for kids when parents lavish unconditional praise on them. Citing recent research, Bronson argues persuasively that contrary to what many of us have believed for years, frequent praise is more often harmful to a child’s development, particularly when it’s not specifically warranted by the child’s demonstrated performance. Mid-continent Research for Education and Learning (2), an educational consultancy, agrees. In the article, Bronson states:

“Scholars from Reed College and Stanford reviewed over 150 praise studies. Their meta-analysis determined that praised students become risk-averse and lack perceived autonomy. The scholars found consistent correlations between a liberal use of praise and students’ ‘shorter task persistence, more eye-checking with the teacher, and inflected speech such that answers have the intonation of questions.’”

One important lesson for parents is that challenges are embraced by our children when they have had the skill-building and confidence-building experience of successes and set-backs. Stumbling or falling down is not failure – it’s part of the developmental process of gaining competence.

Another skill,* that until recently has been ignored – to the great detriment of our children, is financial literacy. Just as household chores and responsibilities build confidence and self esteem, so too does financial literacy. Understanding the importance of money as a tool to accomplish one’s creative efforts and develop personal autonomy is as important as the basics of personal hygiene. We have all heard the Chinese proverb: "Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will eat for a lifetime." This proverb suggests the same principle as teaching our children the basic facts of life.

Recently, I had the pleasure of discovering Joline Godfrey’s “Raising Financially Fit Kids” (3). She puts forward a plan to equip our kids with a fluency in financial concepts that will enable them to move into adulthood with important financial skills. These skills help children develop the strength and confidence needed to successfully leave the parental nest. This is truly the foundation that supports healthy self-esteem, and as parents, that is what we are obliged to provide to our children.

* A skill is not a natural ability; it’s something we learn like cooking, driving or sports. At first we crawl but later we learn to walk and run.

REFERENCES

1. New York Magazine February 12, 2007: How Not to Talk to Your Kids; The inverse power of praise.
2. www.mcrel.org/
3. www.independentmeans.com

Rob Bannister his been a practicing therapist for 20 years. Originally trained in Jungian models, he migrated to family-systems therapy. In addition to his regular private practice, Rob and his colleague Tomaso Falzone, MFT continue their Systems practice with family-businesses. Their website is www.creatingsustainablewealth.com. Rob may be reached at rob@creatingsustainablewealth.com.